The Bitter Sweet Taste of April
by Italian-Goil
Summary: April Fool's Day at the SGC...


Hey everyone, Happy April Fools Day!

NOTE: I (unfortunately) do not, never have and sigh never _will _own Daniel...I mean Stargate! Well, any of it really... Anyway, enjoy the ramble. I had fun writing it. ;o)

"Everyone was yelling..." Sam shook her head. "There were shampoo bottles and bars of soap flying everywhere."

"You are most fortunate to not have injured one another, Major Carter."

"I just hope whoever did it is smart enough to stay out of the infirmary. I've never seen Janet so mad..."

Sam turned a thoughtful eye toward her solemn companion.

"Teal'c…who do _you_ think is behind all of this? It would have to be an Airman..." Sam squinted thoughtfully.

"How can you be certain?"

"Well...it stands to reason. Out of all the on-base lodging, only the Marines had their beds short sheeted last night."

Teal'c nodded in silent approval of the Major's logic.

"And it's probably a man," She continued "Considering the very _large_ spiders in the women's showers this morning." Sam winced in recollection. _Poor Janet..._

Teal'c raised a brow in question. "Do you believe only one man to be responsible, Major Carter?"

Sam nodded. "The style seems to be fairly consistent...but what I can't figure out is the timing. I mean, almost every 'group' on base has been hit, one way or another, one after another, and all day long. It's an incredible undertaking for just one person. There's always been an occasional prank here or there, but this…It would have to be some mastermind."

Sam shook her head as she glanced around the room. The SGC mess hall seemed especially busy today. The room was abuzz with pleasant conversation and occasional bouts of laughter, setting a relaxed, comfortable atmosphere. Teal'c and Sam sat opposite one another as they waited for the rest of their team. Sam glanced at her watch.

"Well, Teal'c…do you think we should go ahead and…" Sam lifted her gaze and straightened as her superior officer stepped into the large room. "Wait, there's the Colonel…" Sam raised a hand to catch Jack's attention as he sauntered through the busy commissary, clutching something beneath his over shirt.

"We have reserved a seat for you O'Neill." Teal'c rumbled, motioning to the chair beside him.

"Yeah, thanks…" Jack dropped to his seat and glanced around the room, folding his hands on the table. "Anyone, uh...seen Daniel yet?"

"He said he'd meet us here, Sir. Is…" Sam glanced nervously at Teal'c as Jack shot a quick glance toward the entrance. "…is something wrong, Sir?"

"On a beautiful day like today? What could _possibly_ be wrong?" Jack grinned and pulled an almost flat, balloon shaped object from beneath his shirt.

"Of course..." Sam stared at the Colonel. "I don't know why I didn't see it before! The salt in the sugar bowls at breakfast...

"Umm...Carter..." Jack murmured as Sam's voice rose.

"...The signs taped to the back of uniforms…"

"_Carter..."_

"...The spiders in the showers…"

"CARTER!"

She froze.

"_Do you mind?_" He whispered across the table "I mean, could we be a _little less _vocal on this one? If it's not too much to ask, I'd rather _not_ have half the base on my tail...okay?"

Sam leaned forward to whisper her final accusation.

"I can't _believe_ you switched the Men and Women signs on the level 14 bathrooms..."

Teal'c gave Jack a dark look.

"If that was indeed a deception of your making, O'Neill…it was not appreciated." Teal'c raised a dignified brow as certain disconcerting memories flooded his mind.

"Hey, cut me some slack Teal'c…it's a classic." Jack stood and stepped to the opposite side of the table, leaning over Daniel's unoccupied seat. Teal'c stared moodily at the foreign object in Jack's hands.

"I am not familiar with this particular form of humiliating one's friends, O'Neill."

Jack paused to glare at Teal'c as he hovered over Daniel's vacant chair, his hands lightly clutching the precious cargo.

"It's called a _Whoopee Cushion_, Teal'c."

He slid Daniel's booby-trapped chair under the table and stepped back to admire his work.

Sam hurried to explain. "A whoopee cushion is an old toy fo..."

"Hey!" Jack interrupted. "Not old..._classic_."

She sighed. "A _classic_ _toy_, used to embarrass people. It's put on someone's chair so that when they sit, it uh...it, um...makes a loud, uh...embarrassing noise."

Teal'c turned away in disdain.

"April Fools only comes once a year, kids…let's not be wasteful…"Jack seated himself opposite Daniel's empty seat, and primly folded his hands on the table with a grin.

Teal'c raised a chiseled brow and frowned.

"I do not understand the logic behind such a childish endeavor, O'Neill."

Jack stared at the large, stoic man beside him.

"No. No, not childish…_funny._"

"I do not think DanielJackson will appreciate your particular form of humor."

"I agree with Teal'c, Sir. Actually, I'm curious about one thing..."

"Shoot."

"Do you really think this is the appropriate location? I mean, if you're that concerned about being found out, not that I blame you, why such a distracting prank, in such a conspicuous place...and to Daniel of all people? Don't you think this will draw the _wrong _kind of attention for certain, uh...past indiscretions? Like, _everything _you've done today?"

"Aha! Exactly." Jack gave her a knowing smile.

Sam glanced to Teal'c and back again, bewildered. " 'Aha, exactly' what, Sir?"

Jack motioned them both in for a whispered huddle across the table. "See, I knew it would only be a matter of time before someone realized my pranking superiority and started pointing fingers. _This_ way, I can take full advantage of Daniel's un-earthly gullibility," Teal'c tilted his head "And draw so _much_ attention to myself, that they'll have to turn the rest of their, uh, attention...to...someone else." Jack finished with a loose waving of his hands before leaning back and locking them behind his head in confident satisfaction.

"So..." Sam attempted to sift through the Colonel's plan. "Your prank on Daniel will be so obvious and blatantly annoying..." Sam hurried at Jack's dark expression. "...that they'll never suspect you of the rest of today's brilliantly masterminded chaos."

"_Exactly."_

Sam looked unsure. "But don't you think Da..."

Sam stiffened as she glanced toward the cafeteria's double doors. Jack spun in his chair, following her gaze, his eyes lit in anticipation. A tall, lean form in dark blue cargoes and a black T-shirt stepped into the room, glasses low on the bridge of his nose, his arms full of papers, notebooks and manuscripts.

"Now it's all up to Danny boy..." Jack whispered. "Hey! Quit looking so guilty!" he jabbed a quick finger at Sam. "Just act…normal." He spread his hands in an innocent gesture. Sam ducked her head to hide her worry as Daniel approached their table, his nose buried in some new manuscript.

Glancing quickly over the rim of his glasses to ensure his destination, Daniel cast a small smile in his team's direction before returning his attention to scanning the pages in his hands; Oblivious to Sam's apprehensive glances between Jack, himself and the only vacant chair at the table.

Jack was leaning back in his own chair, his legs stretched out. Teal'c was looking…like Teal'c.

"Here! Let me get that for you…" Jack carefully nudged Daniel's chair away from the table with the toe of one outstretched boot, wincing in delight as Daniel slowly dropped into the vacant chair without lifting his eyes from the pages before him.

The room seemed to stiffen in anticipation.

Daniel paused, mid squat, before straightening to drop his load on the table.

Sam bit her lip.

"Oops…sorry about that." Daniel reached for a stray stack of papers and slowly lowered himself to his chair, flipping through pages.

The trio tensed as one.

"Hey, did you guys read this part of SG-11's last mission statement?" Daniel paused a fraction of an inch from his eminent humiliation.

Jack's jaw clenched.

"It's on, uhh…it's here, on page four…" Daniel flipped a couple more pages as he leaned over the table and set the document in front of his colleagues. "This writing is some form of the Norse runes we've found on Cymeria…possibly signs of another culture influenced by the Asguard?"

Jack broke into a light sweat.

"You're the expert Daniel…" He spread his arms indifferently. "We just wanna _eat_." He gestured toward Daniel's still empty seat.

"Oh, yeah…right..." The archeologist murmured distractedly as he clutched the papers in one hand, reached behind to remove the offending object from his chair with the other, and sank to a sitting position without once looking up from his research.

Jack stared in horrified shock.

He glanced at the now obsolete whoopee cushion lying dejectedly on the table as Daniel continued to ignore him. Sam burst out in laughter, drawing curious glances from nearby tables.

"How'd you…?" Jack raised his voice accusingly.

"Jaaack…" Daniel glanced up from his work with a condescending smile in his eyes. "The chair, the looks...the 'oh-so-clever' pranks all day long, and the very distinct _lack_ of a bored Colonel hovering in my office...it wasn't that hard to figure out…" Daniel smiled over the brim of his notebook.

Jack crossed his arms across his chest and slouched back into his chair, a dark look masking his features.

"Well, gee thanks for playing along…" He muttered.

Daniel grinned, setting his papers in a neat stack beside the abandoned whoopee cushion. "You know, half the people in this room would _love_ to get their hands on you for what you've been doing." Daniel squinted and raised his eyebrows, pausing for effect. "Aren't you at all worried about retaliation?"

"My thoughts exactly." Sam offered with a worried smile.

"And thanks _so much _for helpin out there, _Daniel._'' Sam quietly shook her head at Daniel's confused look. "But don't worry about me." Jack continued, waving his hand at their surroundings. "They're all just jealous anyway. And what can they do? In all the time you guys have known me, have you ever, even _once _seen me fall for something like a whoopee cushion?" Jack steepled his fingers as his team fell silent. "Ahah!" he pointed a finger around the table. "And you never will…"

Sam shook her head in silent pity for her doomed CO as

Daniel and Teal'c shared a meaningful look.

Jack clapped his hands and rubbed them together. "Now! Let's get some foo..."

"General Hammond!" Sam jumped to a standing salute, quickly followed by a surprised Jack.

"At ease Major…Colonel."

Sam took a slightly more relaxed position, noting with apprehension the cold look the General was giving Jack.

"Colonel O'Neill."

Jack winced at the booming volume of Hammond's voice. The entire mess hall fell silent.

"I have reason to believe you are behind the many practical jokes our staff and personnel have been put through today…is there any truth to this?"

Jack could feel many dozens of eyes boring into his back. What had Daniel just said? Something about…retaliation…

"Colonel O'Neill?"

Jack cleared his throat nervously. The dinner mass leaned in as a collective being to hear the Colonel's meek response.

"Yes, sir. I, um…That would be…me."

"I see."

Hammond paused to observe the silent faces around them, an unrepentant grin forming at the corners of his mouth.

"Well then. I do believe my work here is finished."

Jack stole a miserable glance in his team's direction as the General turned to leave.

"Oh, and Colonel…one more thing."

"Sir?"

Jack leaned in as Hammond whispered conspiratorially.

"If I _ever_ come across another bottle of disappearing ink in my office…you _will_ be facing a Court Marshal. Do I make myself clear?"

"…Crystal, Sir."

"Good." Hammond smiled congenially. "As you were, people."

The room seemed to reverberate with dark murmurings as the General took his leave, and fell silent once again as Jack slowly turned.

_April Fools is a crappy holiday anyway…_

The chagrined Colonel dropped heavily into his seat, and _froze_—his blood turned to ice in his veins as the room echoed in a long, resounding,

**PPPPFFFFBBBBBBBTTTT!**

Silence reigned.

Someone snickered.

Jack stood slightly and retrieved the limp form of a deflated whoopee cushion from the seat of his chair, dangling it in denial before his face as the room erupted in a thunder of laughter and applause.

Jack stared in disbelief; Sam was miserably failing to hold herself in check as Daniel laughed outright, and even Teal'c gave a rare full-toothed smile. Jack rose stiffly. He was pretty sure he saw one or two SF's dropping to the ground in hysterics as many more threw their hats in the air and rose from their seats in ovation, their cheers dominating the room.

Holding up his arms in mock surrender, Jack dropped the whoopee cushion into Daniel's lap and took a deep bow, making as quick an exit as possible through the mocking throngs.

"Okay Daniel…"

Jack grinned as the noise died down behind him and he made his way down the empty hall.

"Let the war begin…"

lol - cheers to you all, and a Happy April Fools 2006!


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